Who am i ?

I am a free dreamer,walker and thinker..

Dancing with words,imagining a soulful and peaceful life..Being alone makes you feel independent!
Esra Şeker/ Teacher of English

(use or adaptation of any original content on this blog is strictly prohibited)

©All Rights Reserved

Inner enigma

Like a quilt that covers me in the dark night,

Cos’ not only my skin gettig cold,

My soul is also trembling in this absence.

Even peace is out of breath,

In this inevitable stance!

No way to get rid of these thoughts,

Making my brain captured..

My heart couldn’t feel

If it’s good or bad,

Just makes me a bit ventured!


Close enough to hold my hand

Even if it puts distances..

Silent like a whisper,

Creepy as a scream,

An enigma beyond circumstance!


Whether desolation or losing

Nobody knows..

As if being among huge waves,

Walking in greedy flames,

As being cut, it grows!


Once it fell into me,

Running against the cold winds,

Is only exit..

What can it be?

Maybe an irresistible persist!


Like a water pouring down your fingers

As you grasp it..

Somehow you have no doubt in which,

Coming from dreams to

Show you weird fears!


Unknowable what foreshadow,

Waiting with hand in heart..

Hard to tell the words

That come to tongue,

More difficult to swallow!


Half – Smile

Get angry,
Calm down,
Grieve and be happy!

Yes, these are inevitable feelings and reactions for us in this life and they occur with many reasons; open or closed. As with every person, the fact that one of them is more dominant might be thought as signs showing our characters.

Besides this, gaze,smile,posture and the movement of eyebrows are all of energies spread by people who are negatives or positives. Well , can we be devided with a sharp line into positive and negative poles? Aren’t there any situations where spiritual tides lift boundaries? Of course, there are. If we look at life through the Yin and Yang Theory , if we think that black and white are intertwined, likewise the night and day giving birth to each other, then there is no purely good or bad! In fact, we are born with all kinds of humanity elements, yet we spread energies and feelings according to momentory situation. So, our situational acts may not be relevant to our real feelings, and these attitudes can be independent from our personalities.

On the other hand, there are those who do not show their color. I mean, the types of people we cannot predict what they feel or think. It may have been the circumstances that prevent them from being like themselves. Moreover, they may have been ignored or subjected to mental , physical tortures, so they may tend to hide themselves more than anyone else. Like a half-smile which back up people to hide their anxiety and stress. ‘Laughing face while crying blood ‘ may have been said for this reason. On this case, I must ask this crucial question. Did people learn to hide in order to appear strong or were they compelled to do so? If we bact to our childhood memories, we run into many occassions . For instance, we may have been pressured not to cry and to be quiet when scolded as a small child. You know, some usual words not to behave like a child. So, why? We were just kids and had needed crying and showing our feelings clearly. All we needed was to be listened to.

Another aspect is the presence of people who can remain calm and secretive under all circumstanses. It is debatable whether it is their nature or whether it is a skill they acquired later. Just as they fascinate us ,in some cases, they can drive us mad. Such as,while you are waiting for getting info with excitement, your friend listens with a killing calmness. A situation that makes you worried is just an exaggeration for her/him. Most of the time, this contrast is good for the partners, but sometimes it can lead the relationship to an unexpected end. The way up to Heaven written by Roald Dahl may be a meaningful example. In this story, Mrs. Foster is pathologically afraid of being late, and this fear prompts her to ask about the time consistently.She is under the control of her husband, because she is heavily reliant on him to be ready on time. Having dedicated a life of faithful and punctual life to her husband, Mrs. Foster falls victim to attachment, control, and fear. But she is not the only victim of this situation, of course.
The author leaves us with an open door as to whether Mr. Foster takes a sadistic pleasure in manipulating his wife’s pathological moods. In the story, She is supposed to be boarding a plane to Paris to visit her daughter and grandchildren, but her husband is getting late to accompany her to the airport. Her husband knows her pathological fear of getting late, but he nonetheless always waits to get ready until the last minute. They leave just a few minutes late for this reason, but the fog is rolling in and the plane is delayed for an indeterminate amount of time. Mrs. Foster gets happy to stay at the airport alone because it means she won’t miss the plane, but night falls and travelers are told to come back in the morning .Mrs. Foster calls her husband. He insists on her staying at the house with him, even if the servants have already left for vacation. The next day, she gets ready half time ago as usual, and Mr. Foster asks her to drop him off at the club on the way to the airport. She reluctantly assents, though she is beginning to suspect about his request of being dropped to the club to keep her from going on her trip. At the last minute, while in the car, Mr. Foster remembers leaving a present for his daughter at home. Mrs. Foster begs him to leave it so she can make it to her flight, but he insists and goes back inside. In the meantime, Mrs. Foster finds the gift wedged in between the seats. She tells the driver to go get her husband, but then realizes it’ll be faster if she does it herself.As she starts to unlock the door, she hears some strange sound and stops. With an determined air and something changed about her, she turns around and tells the driver that they must leave immediately so as not to be late, and thinks that her husband will simply get a taxi to the club. When she returns after six weeks, she finds the place deserted with a bad smell, also she sees the letters thrown under the door are not opened. Then, she calls the elevator repair company and asks them to come fix their elevator: the implication is that her husband has been stuck in the elevator the whole time she was gone, and she left him to die ( unintentionally or deliberately.) Just the satisfaction on her face have the reader to catch the clue!

If I sum up, a half smile we put on our faces against those who know our sensitive side, is like a rescuer. However, every emotion, good or bad, belongs to us, and as long as we try to hide and suppress them, we are slowly killing our true identity. I wish our smiles were not half but complete in every moment of life, and we could be ourselves freely, not for anyone!

lhpinhan © ESRA ŞEKER / 2022


His head, which he leaned on the bus window, was rattling thinly .. This was a numbing tremor.. It was not known whether it was the cold or road that hit his forehead, but this time was different from usual. A journey taking him away from the moment in which he was. There was something stucked and frozen in his eyes. He lifted his chin slightly and leaned his head back. Recently, a faint headache had haunted him. It was up to his teeth to relieve throbbing pain in his temples. The teeth that he clenched were tiring his jaw, and the pressure exerted by the jaw muscles left him a pain. He fell asleep when the pain numbed his brain. He was startled by the pain of his eyebrow hitting the window on his left. He wiped the salivation of his mouth with the sleeve of shirt which he tugged up to his palms, then he looked at his watch. Whereas, it had been half an hour since he set out. The feeling of sleep for hours enveloped his body. The headche had eased, and he was like an empty sack.


“ What a work! I am done, but the road is not over!” he mourmured. He thought that someone must have cursed us badly, because it was up to him write the fate of endless roads.Whenever he sets out, a black bird comes and hands on his head. Also,only he can see that bird with red beak. A black, blue-eyed night owl! He even met the bird when he was a child. At first he was afraid of his eyes; moreoever, he held his breath in fear when the bird porched on his head. Since that day, his soul has been awake at nights even if his eyes have slept. Thereby, the night travels have made him a poet who talks to night. In fact, what he went through was neither a poem nor a story. It was unreasonable to him to exaggerate these inner talks. It was the only night bird heard what was going on inside him.
Before long, the sound of the mind must have disturbed the red-billed night bird, so it flew over his head . With the flight of the bird, his mind returned to reality. The smell of coffee filled his nose. While a few passengers were drinking their coffee, he realized that he hadn’t drunk his morning tea, and he hadn’t cleared his mind. So, tea and night thoughts had been inevitable needs for him for a long time. The most important of all, he didn’t grasp up to now why the night had been a mystery buddy, but all the he knew was that night was guiding his soul. Especially, his night trips had taken him different worlds from the real one and accelerated the pace of his mind up to this age. His first night journey had started at the age of six , it was the escape from his parents’ usual fights. It was the only way to get rid of fear and anxiety for him. The night bird firstly had come and landed on his head. For the first time he had shared his inner thoughts with him. After that day on, he read to his favorite tales and told the the stories, he had made up, to only him.

When the bus arrived to destination, he had already made up new stories and the night bird had listened to him with great pleasure. . When he got out the bus, the huge peace filled his heart ,and the thought bubbles hanging in his mind burst one by one when the sun touched them. If you wonder about the bird, he vanished by the sun rised!

night and you who know my secrets that no one knows,

night and you hear my most lonely stories..

the road and I are never ending dreams,

the road and i are escapes with no end we are!

©lhpinhan/ 2021


He draws his curtains to the light of day; escape into the night obviously. It’s midnight mourning ..
He was walking on tiptoes so that his infuriating thoughts would not wake up.
He just wants a peaceful mind; a spring breeze caressing his cheeks.
His soul that opens up as it closes to itself finds its essence in the silence of the night.
His orphan gaze and heart intended to trouble the night.
Then he found himself in a secluded corner. He climbed barefoot into the moonlight-inspired night mourning.
I have to go so far from myself…”he said to himself. “I have to break the routine of the distance between my soul and body!” he thought.
It was good to walk, yes walk. His heart, which did not fit in his rib cage and struggled to death, should have winged.
How he was tired, broken, scattered! But with every pain, he understood once more that he had to break all the ties.
Healing the wounds of attachments was possible by moving away..Listening to himself..
It was time to untie the tongue of his soul. Even if he tried to put the letters together, he was not.
He should have just walked with his intuitions that he could not name or describe. He gave up putting into words.
Far away was good for his soul.His vain enthusiasm was getting collapsed with going beyond himself.
His gaze was full of secrets, like an explorer. They were piercing the pitch black and throwing out of all junk of his inner.
The earth was slipping under his feet, and the stars of the sky were pouring into his hair.
He was glowing in the night with his awake heart.He raised his hands to the sky as if collecting clues about reunite.
By accelerating, he fared away and got closer to the love that could not be . He filled his cruse quietly with secrets
His soul, unable to slow anymore, galloped as he left his heart.Like flapping wings to infinity land!
He was so close to the voice calling him and he was finally on there where the voice came from.
The notion of time was gone.He was floating like a feather in the void.
He got rid of all the burdens on him; he hadn’t felt the lightness of freedom this much before.
Goodbye!” said. Whatever bleeding his heart was left behind.
Then he fell into a moment that was getting farther and farther away.
“A voice that calls me into the night; an endless love! is enough for me!” he said with a warm smile.
So,he had ventured to walk lifelong. He was aware of everything and in the moment of an unruly moment.He gave up on words anymore..

he had ventured to walk lifelong

Night and the voice calling into the night
that let everything that goes down,
get closer as I move away..
I found you!

©lhpinhan 2021

Is it selfishness or happiness?

We are human,
With our desires, our ambitious, our tides..
Sometimes we rise up to sky,
And fall on our knees most of the time.
One day we wake up with buds
And end our days with our tears in other day..
We always have an excuse,
Good or bad!
We are right and just as unfair
As everyone else..
We run to our put offs for everything, for any occasion,
That will save us!

In all these contradictions, we mostly seek real happiness.. Of course, if there is such a thing as true happiness! Even so we can’t stop ourselves from chasing for happiness. For some, happiness is living for themselves, and for some, living for others. Perhaps, both sides have legitimate reasons.. To me, both should be balanced. One cannot be fully happy when he is caring of only himself, or only sacrificing himself to the others. Moreover , man is first responsible to his own existence. He should own their rights and set his boundaries. Because, too much sacrifice is often self-neglect! Actually, self-thinking is not true selfishness. It is a little bit of self-worth.

Well.. What is real selfishness?
I think, true selfishness is not wishing what you want for yourself to someone else; furthermore, it is that not taking other people’s feelings into account and not protecting the others’ rights as you do for yourself. Perhaps, the definition of selfishness is something else for you. However, the thing that we think about selfish ones is probably in common. I am sure it is unlovely that these people assume the Earth revolving around them for you too ! There are even people who are so advanced in selfishness that they have already taken their places in psychology terms. Yes.. You guess it right! They are narcissists. They admire so excessively to themselves that they cannot see the others being around. They think the world that they watch from the ivory towers built in their minds belongs only to them. When this is the case, the people near them become a puppet who has to obey them! Worst of all, unfortunately most of them are not even aware of their sickness . Although some people are not as much as narcissists, they don’t let anyone else into their lives because of their fears, and to them, sharing is like losing what belongs to them. They close themselves to compassion and generosity as a result of lovelessness ..

* by Sean Cheetham

When I mentioned selfishness and lovelessness, I thought of the Selfish Giant which is an exemplary story of Oscar Wilde. In this story, a Giant being fairly selfish doesn’t love the children who are playing in his garden. This Giant ,who is quite tall, huge and ugly, builds a high wall around his garden to protect from children, and leave a notice; “ the trespassers will be prosecuted “ . With the children being deprived of the garden, neither spring nor autumn comes to this garden. Days later, the Giant finds a tree covered with white buds in the farthest corner of the garden. This is the tree that the children reach by digging a tiny hole, and its branches are golden, fruits are silver. Then, the Giant catches a little boy going through hole, but he takes the child into his palm and places the child on the tree. The Giant has learned the lesson of his life that he immediately breaks down the wall with his axe. Right after, the warmth and spring returns to garden! Shortly, the garden comes together with the life and joy as before.

Who knows? Maybe that garden is our soul, and that tree with white buds is the love and compassion we share with others. Also, our pure side is like those children. Spring is such a delightful guest of our soul that it exists as long as we really want to own it. A loveless and selfish human spirit freezes like that garden doomed to winter. Furthermore, those walls are fears and dark side of our souls. Unfortunately, life sometimes is causing us to build these walls, even if don’t want to. Over time, the harsh aspects of life is making us to be degenerated. In fact, these walls are the walls that we build in the wrong place instead of the borders we could not put in time. However, despite everything, it is in our hands to open the gardens of our souls to love and generosity against evil!

© lhpinhan / 2020


Are we born with good or evil?
Do we choose to be good or bad?
Maybe both of them..

We live in such a world that life is a literally struggle. From past to now, humanity is in an endless war with his ego in this struggle. In fact, he is born with his all good and bad sides, and he feeds the both sides with his preferences. For some people, we define our fate; for the others,fate nets. To me, mankind makes choices, then destiny manifests. Actually, this topic is open to discussion, so let’s talk about goodness and badness.

I came across a painting in the previous day, and it took me away and made me think deeply about life and human. The person in the picture was John Milton, a great poet and author. On that picture, he was dictating “ Paradise Lost” to his daughters, because he had lived as a blind in the last twenty years of his life. So, he had to have his works printed , but he never gave up! What pushed him to write with such a big passion? I think, he chose to understand the world in which he lived, so this desire made him a big writer. Moreover, he optained a libertarian soul. Then, this irresistible desire opened doors of a different world to him.. So, he gained the reputation of the wise advocate of the Radical regime and the Republic. He had such an effective language that this sharp style of his pen put him in trouble many times.

If I come to the main issue, what has written him this twelve – parts masterpiece ‘ Paradise Lost’ ? Is it the tragedy of good and evil that replaced each other ? This is a complete dilemma! On the other hand, we see the effects of Paradise Lost which is a tale of the Fall of Man, in TV series and film scripts. Escobar and Lucifer can be given examples. Especially, Lucifer name is not selected by chance in this series. When we return to Milton’s Paradise Lost, main topic is about Heaven, Hell , Earth and the falling of humankind from the heaven to hell of the earth! This is a bitter struggle, maybe tragedy.. In fact, it is the battle between Satan and God, and the endless revenge of Satan against God. Satan’s not prostrating to Adam, and his being expulsion from Eden. The big conflict between Adam and Eve. As you know, Adam’s choise of love is known an unyielding love in all Holy books, and Adam prefers Eve to God. While the poem, ‘Paradise Lost’ treats the love of Adam and Eve ,and shows Satan’s rebellion as an honorable act, what he actually represents is different. In deed, In this epic poem, God represents the monarchy , and Satan represents the innovation in the government. It even refers to Satan’s rebellion as a search for a democratic right. Milton actually refers to human beings who seek the political structure and democratic rights in his years. Also, the Paradise Lost was criticized by religious authorities accusing it of portraying Satan as righteous, God as a monarchic power. Even, William Blake says that Milton was unknowingly in the devil’s sect. If Milton had written an ordinary political article, maybe it wouldn’t have been as effective, because he approached to the humanity, and to the love, the evil and the good inside of mankind. The human with all his temptations is centered in poem, also the revenge, the love, the passion and the vanity is expressed with all reality. He uses such an epic style that he even calls himself as the Blind Homer of Time. In this term, Angel Michael ‘s adviceses to human beings are given as a representation of the right sense. Milton depicts such a scene between Satan Lucifer and God that you question whether man was created as evil or by choosing to be evil.. Lucifer takes his revenge by temptating Adam and Eve, then Adam’ s choice of love , maybe even his jumping into fire, and Eve’ s dare to love with half narcissistic feelings..

However, Paradise Lost is truly a masterpiece that tells mankind in all its reality. Initially, the human knows paradise as homeland, then he discovers love which makes him to feel passion, desire, ambition. Even if he knows that this forbidden love is the reason to get out of Heaven, he chooses the love and shares the same temptation with Eve. After that, they find themselves in the Hell of Earth. Behind all this is the revenge of Lucifer the Devil. So, Eve and Adam, who fell to the Earth, take their first step into Hell, then they pray to regain the Eden. Satan doesn’t leave them alone in the Earth either. The whispers of the Devil who deprive them of Paradise follow them here, but the sincere prayers of Adam and Eve cite God’s mercy. At the end of this earthly hell they are heralded by the eternal paradise.
if human were evil as a result of sin, would there be eternal paradise at the end of real regret? Does a man’s instant choices make him bad person in a lifetime? In my opinion, humans are actually human with their weaknesses, and behind every sin, he has the virtues that will bring him back to his feet. He falls, falls again.. Despite the devil whispering in his blood, he lives the outcome of his choices. Maybe ,there is no ultimate good or bad for human beings that host both good and evil.

Well.. Is the Devil the source of all evil? In fact, while Satan is becoming victim of his own vanity, he is only quite certain of the existence of mankind that he can lead after. He just uses the temptations of humankind for his revenge. If Satan was once an Angel when he became a demon, there could be a good in every evil and an evil in every good. To sum up, as long as there is an ego that is worse than the devil inside of us, we will not be able to get rid of falling ! Even, we all create our Heaven and Hell with our hands.

In conclusion, most of the time we need to lose to find, and It is part of our existence to turn evil into good.. So, there is no coincidence on that Milton wrote Paradise Regained after Paradise Lost. We can regain our virtues even if we fall into the deepest faults. I end my words by leaving a quote ;

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..”

John Milton, Paradise Lost

© lhpinhan / 2019 Esra Şeker

Gazing at Stars

When I was a child, I used to lying down under stars at summer nights. I would try to catch muse of stars! The stars were my magic world. Whenever I gazed at them, thrilling, mostly weird stories used to rush to my brain. I wasn’t alone at those times. My sister was with me , because she was so eager to hear that she would take place next to me. I really liked to imagine and tell stories at summer nights under stars. Moreover, I wanted my sister to close her eyes ,and imagine the sceneries, characters while I was telling. Her curious eyes which was getting bigger during scary parts made me more ambitious to tell stories. After a while, we started to believe that heroes of my stories could be real and talk about them. It was our secret fun. Beyond all, the stars were indispensable for us, because we used to choose the brightest star and give a name to it. Then, we would draw invisible lines among the stars and combine them. These lines would turn into some images which were flowers, faces, animals, or objects. While gazing , when a star fell ,we used to shout :” Look! It slid! Somebody passed away..” We really didn’t know why we thought like that. We might have heard from rumours among adults. But we believed this and tried to find our stars which would slide if we died. Maybe, we mostly kept the biggest one because of this reason. However, I used to give the brightest and biggest one to my sister as an elder, but I was a child too. I chose the smaller one next to the biggest. We should have been together on the sky, because being a sister required this. After a short childish mourning , we used to talk about good things. I would tell story and wait for hero of my story to come into my dream!


Whenever I go to this childhood memory, I remember ‘ A Child’s Dream of A Star (by Charles Dickens) . This story is special for me , because it’s so feeling and touching to hearts. A brother and sister’s musing on life and death surrounds me. It is so charming and heart- warming that it takes me to the my childhood. Of course, the end of story is misery, and a brother’s grief is extremely sincere.

(illustrator Hammattt Billings)

Furthermore, their wandering around at nights by thinking about life, nature and death is incredibly sophisticated for kids. In the story, there is a shining star in the sky. It is larger and more beautiful. Whoever see it first cries out “I see the star!” Then, little sister drops weak and passes away. The brother’s grief and longing go on for days, and he never gives up looking at stars and waiting for going to sky to be with his sister ..


Besides this, the meaning of life is inevitable fact for we humans. Also, we can feel the essence of life in each age, and kids are luckier than us, because they never give up imaginating and feeling miracle. Finally, I wanna leave a few sentences from the story.

“.. and one night as he lay upon his bed, his children standing around, he cried, as he had cried so long ago.. ” I see the star! ” They whispered one to another ,” he is dying..” And he said , ” I am.. My age is falling from me like a garment, and I move towards the stars as a child .. And O, my Father, now I thank Thee that it has so often opened ,to receive those dear ones who await me!”

And the star was shining and it shines upon his grave..”

A Child’s Dream of A Star

by Charles Dickens

One day, a star might be shining upon our graves too.. Who knows?

©2018 lhpinhan

Is a simple life possible?

Today, we mostly hear *minimalism and simplicity. Maybe,simplicity is a yearning  of modern world people to the old days which had simple but peaceful moments

Well, what is minimalism?

In fact, it was a trend in sculpture and painting that arose in the 1950s, and used simple typically massive, forms.. In other saying, it is a current issuing simplicity and objectivity in modern art and music.

However, we see its effects in our daily lives. Especially, decorators and interior architects are extremely interested in simplicity. They think that simple decoration has a classy and neat atmosphere. And this life style has gotten attention of modern world which is suffering from hustle and bustle .. Today’s people prefer resting in simple and peaceful places decorated less furniture anymore. Most of us are getting to keep *the less but functional objects. Simple and handy ones.. Because, we reasonably need to use our time in a fast and easy way. Beyond these reasons, we primarily desire to have less things to survive and live. For instance , we tend to eat twice a day nowadays, and we are extremely  bored of unneeded clothes in wardrobes.. Moreover, we are so lonely that we play hide and seek with ourselves among rooms. We are as if we were swallowed by all unneeded goods! Whether some of us make enough money or not, we feel need of wearing different dresses for each day. Before hiring a house , we firstly look at if it has extra large cupboards, because our shoes are sitting on head corners! Also, each family members are running to get a car , and pavements are occupied by cars day by day. The furnitures are real residents of our houses. While we are working for making much money to buy more and more, they are living instead of us! For instance,after a tiring day, we desire only a relaxing sofa and a cup of tea.

On the other hand ,our walls and every inches of our rooms are so crowded that we are like prisoners of our wealthy and showy lives! Furthermore, extra time is needed to clean and dust them. If we haven’t any time, we need helpers for all errands. So, we consume ourselves to have much money to live a luxury life .

Well, does a luxury life have to be crowded like this much?

Do we really need all of them?

Can we pass our days with a few but neat clothes?

Do we have a chance to cycle to our works?

Is a simple life really possible?

I think, it is ,but most of us need to agree on this idea. Because, we all feel more confident in our communities. So , as a society, we should change ourselves together ..Of course, everybody don’t have to agree on it. Life style is a preference.

To sum up, as long as we give up getting unnecessary things, we’ll start to realize more and free time. Instead of killing our time with shopping , designing, eating, clothing, cleaning and in traffic, we’ll save our free time to take a fresh breath and discover the nature. Sometimes, I feel hopeless because of technological innovations . The futurist brains may activate air transportation, if it is so, these days our last days to see our free and blue sky as unique peace source !

While there is still time, look at the sky, feel your freedom and catch the time! Believe me my fellow! We need less thing but more freedom !

©2018 lhpinhan